


gilgamesh and kirei go to ikea

by plumesvertes



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Gen, Humor, IKEA, M/M, Post-Fate/Zero, Shopping, semi-domestic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumesvertes/pseuds/plumesvertes
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.Set a few years before Fate/stay night begins.
Relationships: Gilgamesh | Archer & Kotomine Kirei, Gilgamesh | Archer/Kotomine Kirei
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I miss when people were allowed to go places. I miss. IKEA. So I wrote about these two chucklefucks going to IKEA.

The IKEA store was a trendy fixture in downtown Fuyuki, attracting all manners of lunch-goers, new homeowners, and one Master-Servant pair whose furniture had been unfortunately destroyed in a drunken Noble Phantasm incident.

Gilgamesh peered down at something called Småland as they ascended the escalator. A group of children were sitting on stools that resembled tree trunks, rendered crudely in stout cylinders. 

“Perhaps you should drink your youth potion and stay down there while I shop.” Kirei was aiming to get under Gilgamesh’s skin, a skill he had taken great pleasure in honing during their years together, but he also didn’t want their shopping trip to become an all-day affair. His Servant failed to understand that time was money, and that Kirei’s reserves of both were limited.

“Ha! As if I would enjoy playing in a pretend forest when I’ve seen wildness beyond beauty. Besides, then I’d miss out on finding out what about this place is so fascinating. You were the one who insisted we come here.”

“I said that I would go, and _you_ insisted on coming.” He towered a full head over Gilgamesh, whose head only reached Kirei’s chest due to him being one step down on the escalator. “The furniture here is cheap, and I don’t intend to waste any more money than necessary.”

“I’d suggest that this was your chance to elevate your taste in home décor, but even a new set of furniture won’t fix that.”

They reached the second floor, a grey plateau dotted with islands of colorful furniture. Gilgamesh bounded straight to “my 375 square foot home”, and Kirei followed him. If he had any sense at all, he would head in the opposite direction and not reunite with Gilgamesh until he was done picking out furniture. Still, there was something amusing about seeing familiar places through Gilgamesh’s eyes, which held such disdain for the world yet would sparkle with fascination at the most mundane modern convenience.

The model apartment was packed with people, so Kirei waited outside. “I can’t believe anyone would choose to live like this,” Gilgamesh said after he emerged. “It’s pathetic, mongrels living on top of one another in spaces not big enough to house a dog.”

“You say that, and yet you have a habit of materializing into my bed despite having your own room.”

“There are some things more valuable than personal space,” Amusement, Kirei figured, but he wondered if Gilgamesh could be alluding to something else. “However, I do intend to acquire myself a more suitable bed here. After all, there is a chance that Saber will be summoned again in the coming war.”

Before Kirei could parse whatever impulse caused his limbs to stiffen at that last statement, Gilgamesh was dragging him towards the bed section. He flopped onto a king-sized mattress, golden hair fanning out over a GULDPALM pillow. If he noticed the disapproving (and occasionally appreciative) stares of passing shoppers, he didn’t care. In all things, even furniture shopping, Gilgamesh had the bearing of a king, beautiful and unconcerned with rules lesser beings would impose on him.

“Join me, Kirei.” Not a request, but not a demand either. Gilgamesh patted the empty side of the bed.

“I don’t see why I need to, given that this will be yours.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Kirei regretted the implication that he had already agreed to the purchase. For no reason at all, he sat down on the side of the bed.

“If we’re buying something more comfortable, there’s no reason why you should continue to sleep on your poor excuse for a mattress. The King of Heroes will allow you to partake in the luxury of this so-called _memory foam._ ”

There were a host of rebuttals on the tip of Kirei’s tongue, but he didn’t voice them. Instead, he yanked the pillow from under Gilgamesh’s head and simply said, “We’re moving on.” He ignored Gilgamesh’s indignant splutters and continued walking, marking the name of the mattress on the chart he’d picked up on the way in.

Kirei led them to the food court, where Gilgamesh seemed purposely victimized upon seeing chicken strips on the menu screen. “What manner of foolishness is this? You expect me to eat from a cafeteria?”

“It isn’t that bad. Rin liked the food when we came here, and you know how much of a picky eater she is.”

A slippery smile appeared on Gilgamesh’s face, and Kirei suspected it wasn’t because the menu display had changed to arugula salad. “Well, if the young lady approves…”

Kirei left to peruse the area near the food court while Gilgamesh stood in line. It was filled with children’s toys and furniture, and while Kirei had no intention of buying such items for his house, he felt inclined to reminisce about the time he’d brought Rin here. She’d expressed a desire to furnish her room with more personal items, and Kirei had noted with amusement that her eyes wandered furtively to the children’s section.

“Do you want to look in there, Rin?” he’d asked. Rin had shaken her head, resolute to embody the adult she’d been forced to play.

“Not even to look through the puppets in the bargain bin?” Kirei watched her brows furrow, and at the precise moment before she would’ve opened her mouth to accept, said, “Of course you don’t need that. The Tohsaka heir has no need for such childish things.”

A familiar face grounded Kirei’s attention back in the present. Fujimura Taiga, a former associate of Kiritsugu, had her hands buried in a bucket of plush sushi with faces.

“Look at this one Shirou, isn’t it cute?”

Shirou. That name sounded familiar. Was this…

She waved one of the sushi in Shirou’s face. “How about this one for Sakura?”

Kirei’s stomach curdled. He hadn’t thought of that name in years. The irony that the disowned Tohsaka sister might get a trinket from this place when he’d denied Rin the same thing so many years ago earned a chuckle from him, although there was no mirth in it. Kirei had lost the little interest he’d had in this memory exercise, so he left to see if Gilgamesh had gotten their Swedish meatballs.

“Is that red wine?” Kirei asked. Gilgamesh, seated across from him, was swilling a red liquid around in what was indeed a wine glass. 

“Lingonberry juice, actually.”

“…Ah. And the glass?”

“From the cart over there. They’re only 250 yen.” _That I’ll be paying_ , was the unspoken implication. Kirei took a single bite of stale cornbread and sampled a sickly sweet cake before deciding that the only way this meal would be salvaged was with an ungodly amount of hot sauce.

They continued shopping, Kirei diligently marking their choices on the sheet. Well, Kirei’s choices - aside from Gilgamesh’s occasional demand that he buy something ridiculous, Kirei was the one doing all the work, and Gilgamesh was the one interrupting to test every potential sofa by lounging around with his glass of not-wine. When he tried to drag Kirei on top of him by pulling his coat, Kirei dumped the lingonberry juice into one of the “Display Only” toilets. 

“Why don’t you go downstairs to the grocery store,” Kirei suggested. Gilgamesh had loudly vetoed every lamp they’d looked at in the aisle, which was all of them.

“You think to get _rid_ -”

“I’ll pay for whatever you pick out.”  
  
“I’ll meet you downstairs.”

Gilgamesh initially dumped everything that looked the slightest bit appealing into his cart just because he could, but he soon grew genuinely interested in the exotic goods. His diet consisted of expensive restaurant meals when he felt like dining out, and Kirei’s mediocre cooking when he didn’t, but Swedish cuisine was something new to him. Soon Gilgamesh’s cart was filled with lingonberry jam, several boxes of meatballs, a filet of cured salmon, and all manner of pastries and chocolates.

When Kirei returned, he didn’t bother giving Gilgamesh the satisfaction by commenting on the excessive volume of food he’d picked out. He needed help getting the furniture, although Gilgamesh was a poor assistant (his performance improved considerably when Kirei threatened to use a Command Seal). By the end of it, they had two carts overflowing with a wine glass, an area rug, and a Gate of Babylon’s worth of Swedish food, as well as boxes containing a mattress, a chair, a desk, two end tables, a lamp, and a Gilgamesh-approved couch.

Shirou and Fujimura were behind them in line. Kirei watched them grow impatient as the cashier painstakingly rang up each of the grocery items, the boy obviously uncomfortable with Gilgamesh’s smug staring, and decided that this trip had been entertaining after all.

-

“You’re doing it wrong, Kirei.”

“You could help, instead of standing there and criticizing me.”

“Why would I expend myself when you’re perfectly willing to do it for me? Besides, your frustration is entertaining.”

“If this couch collapses while you’re lying on it, don’t come complaining to me.”

“Ha! Who else would I complain to?”

_Crash._

“Now look what you’ve done.”

“How dare you accuse me when this is clearly your doing?”  
  
“I asked you to do _one_ thing, just screw the drawer in while I held it-”

“Enough. I tire of this.”

The Gate of Babylon appeared, and a room of fully-assembled furniture emerged from its portals. 

“There. I’ll be expecting you to repay me that mana later.”

“This whole time...you…”

“You didn’t think I’d deplete my treasury before I’d had any fun, did you?” 

Gilgamesh flopped onto the couch he had summoned and stuck a straw into one of his lingonberry juice boxes. Kirei would’ve rolled his eyes if he was the type of man to show emotion, but instead he went to the kitchen to make Swedish meatball mapo tofu.


	2. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t take this part seriously

“And another thing,” Kirei began, spatula in hand and apron still on. “If you can pull furniture out of the Gate of Babylon at will, why not pull anything and everything out. Why not summon the Holy Grail, for-”

Gilgamesh opened a single portal and pulled out a golden goblet. “Kirei, have I taught you nothing? Your objective was to discover the part of yourself that gave shape to the destructive wish we witnessed. Pulling a cup out of the air won’t accomplish that.” He threw the Grail back through the portal.

Kirei stared blankly, and blinked. “What the f-”


End file.
